“My Voice! My EH, My Future!”

Hey, I know a few of  you really do read my blogs and I thank you.  I mean it.  I thank you in a way that right now as you read this one, that you may feel a sense of love in your gut.  I cannot thank you enough for being a faithful listener when I really have no idea who is really following my drive thru journey.  I love you so much for being you!

Today, well, I need to write about last night.  On Friday, I attended a circle group called the Red Tent.  Now, if you are a guy, you may not be as concerned about this blog but listen to me…….There is a place, in our city, that is safe, honoring and sacred for women and just because I took a chance to participate in this group, I was healed.  They presented us a thoughtful, gentle exercise that our facilitator guided us with and it was so simple, yet powerful.  We just wrote.

Do you realize that we Christian’s fight tooth and nail to find that one moment in time when you can say “The Spirit of the Lord came down and healed the infirmity I have carried all my life?” Remember, just like the women that had the issue of blood and she REACHED out for the hem of HIS garment?  Well, this is now a true story for me.  My issue of “blood” was not some crooked back or a bleeding hemorrhage that would not cease or the fact that I have had multiple marriages like the women at the well.  My issue happened when I was 15.  “Fifteen!” Our family had just filed bankruptcy over a very similar situation that I have also experienced as a working adult over two years ago in Corporate America.  Someone decided to manipulate my mother into doing unethical things and my parents decided to walk from their jobs rather than do some unethical shit that some local company CEO required of my mother.  She was served noticed with a bunch of BS to either do the deed or be fired……..and well the story I had in 2012 is similar my parents, they too decided to walk……..We (Them and Me) lost everything.  Our homes, our securities, our cars and our dignities.  After doing all that my parents could do to salvage a home with 6 kids, we were left to find a new path as American Citizens.   I was 15, obese, redneck, ghetto and moved to a tiny trailer where my Step-Dad had to cut off a foot from my twin bunk bed just to fit in the tiny room so that I could sleep.  My feet and head both touched the opposite walls in the tiny home and I had just entered high school at Fairdale.    And I was 15.  Do you realize that at 15 we are not yet adults nor children and most of us are lonely.  In my case,  I was fat, alone and could not manifest any amount of self confidence if I had owned Tinkerbell’s wand.

I spend hours ALONE in my room while my parents sad behind closed doors trying to figure out how they would rebuild and regain a life for their family.  Day after day, they kept their bedroom door closed and so did I.  I turned to Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll for comfort.  I became that basket case chicklet that you saw on the Movie “The Breakfast Club”.  Oh the blessed 80’s.

Well, last night as I being to write a letter to Holly, age 15, I sent her a message.  I sent her love and energy and I told her right now, I am living the same life she had almost like a curse.  I had to file bankruptcy last year and as a parent of a 15 year old boy, I have spend hours with my husband behind closed doors to find my self again.  We are deeply searching to find a new path and new ways to regain dignity and lo’ and behold, FORGETTING about 15 year old boy that sits behind HIS closed door confused and trying at best to find his destiny.  A GENERATIONAL CURSE live and in action.  Well, as I wrote this love story back to myself in the past, this epiphany sparked about my son and I knew, that I was awakened with divine “Love in Action” to stop that curse.  I now know, I can regain dignity and confidence for myself today and send back that same powerful energy to the scared, lonely Holly that was 15.   And I can look deeply into the eyes of my young son (and daughter) and be assured that I am a good mommy no matter what shit I had been served years ago.

And, we ladies last night did not stop there.  Oh No!   I am still struggling with not only self confidence and fear of loss and insecurity from my past, but I have been fighting with the same demons today regarding my HAPPINESS.  I look in the mirror and want to see a beautiful, NOT FAT, intriguing women and until NOW, I could not see her.  Last night, we journeyed into the future and we located the Future Holly (etc…).  The Holly I want to become and that older Holly proceeded to write me a letter from the future telling me how wonderful life is on this side of today.

This Older Holly encouraged me to keep steadfast to my dreams, visions and hopes.  And when I saw the me I will become, I became very pleased.  I knew that I was transcending time and space right at that moment and magically, I had arrived.  I had been given back a crown of Love and Light and I could trust that my past experiences, my present questions about life and my future security in Christ.  They all sat in the balance of the universe and in that timeless place, there was no fear, no doubt and no unbelief.   I just WAS Happy……..:)

Though I have spent a lot of time looking back into the 80’s when I was a fat ass punk teen with no direction, a zit filled size 18 with no face wash and some bent up fork so I could try and zip up my size 16 jeans, I was still beautiful in the eyes of God.   It IS my heart and energy that people saw, but I just missed that part!

Now, as I write today, every bondage of Hell has been drained down into the earth and does not live with me any more.  I have poured it out like a rain to be reconfigured into the earth.  I can look SECURELY at every experience I have had from 1972 until today, 10/25/2014 and relish in the fact that by the time I meet my future self, she will know we made it.  🙂

And in the meantime,  I will be hell bent on pulling my sisters out of the fire which feel that they are inadequate, unloved and uncherished. I assure you, as you live and breath, if you are still walking this earth, tomorrow awaits a YOU that will meet YOU to show YOU that YOU are loved.  Help is but a moment away and what is cool, is that the help starts IN YOU.

Try to write a letter to your past self.  Address your past hurts and cares and THEN let your future self write to you TODAY and see what transpires.

For me, TOTAL  EH.  (Emotional Healing).  Yeah, I’ll take it.

Be blessed today!  I am going to party baby!!!!  It’s my BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!


Holly 🙂

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