Greetings Reader. Greetings. It’s almost 2020. Do you know where you emotions are? I do not. They, are lost at sea.
The next few sentences may or may not make sense to you, my reader.
For most of you, it will make sense. And for those that stray off in the beginning, keep reading. This is not a cry for help or pity. This is a woman writing a blog who has gone through a lot of changes in one year. All, by my own choice and my own doings. (sort of.) 🙂 And, I (she) is an emotional creature. Or was. Until now.
Over the last few days, I have encountered many new things. I have dealt with some old things. I have worked on burying the past (for my own benefit) and resurrecting the future (of which is ridiculous) because really, you cannot do that. The Future is not here yet. So why do we worry so much about it? I guess it is because of the fear of being alone and as someone who has never been on her own, not once, I fear it. Or did.
My mind and body have been on High Alert, well, ever since my divorce. (And, honestly, two years before that). And now, I have to face the cold hard truth that sometimes you just have to throw up the white flag to God and Surrender to more change so that the hope of the pain of the past will ease away. (And, it will. Eventually. Someday.)
But before I spill my guts here let’s be perfectly clear. I am happy. I am whole. I am enough. I am, Holly Elaine King. This, is my drive thru life.
If I look back at some of the writings from earlier this year, there is one serious pattern of co-dependency happening here and I have been lost in the survival shuffle. I have been lost in grief, suffering the loss of my 15 year marriage, while collapsing head first into two of my previous past life relationships meant to replace or restore me from the tragic damage due to the latter love. It’s not working.
Why? Because, God wants me to lean on him and take care of myself. First. So, no more serious relationships for ONE YEAR. 2020. The year of NOT changing my status button on Facebook anymore. I am now single.
I choose to be single starting right now because:
- I still cry myself to sleep at night missing Ed.
- I still throw my fist up at God and ask him what the hell happened?
- I still find myself running in and out of my little apartment trying to find something to do, when the walls are quiet and the night gets late after a long and rewarding, yet tiring day. Then, I binge eat. Or did until I realized I created an imbalance in my body and damaged my lower intestines this year. Oops.
You see, more than anything this year I have learned a few things.
That I subconsciously associate “Food and Fear” with Male relationships and I eat because of the fear of being abandoned. The correlation with food and men for me is incredible. Even the word correlation breaks down co-relation. (Codependency to food and men.) When my Daddy left me at the age of 5, I started to binge eat then. By the time I was in the 4th grade, I weighed almost 120 pounds. I was fat. I was hiding my fears in my food intake.
You know what?
That shit is going to stop. Now.
Another reason I choose to be single right now is because the little bit of time I have to myself needs to be divided up between self care (so I can care for my clients and be present, strong and healthy at work) and my children AS MUCH I CAN NOW. I say as I can because of the following reasons:
- They are both grown adults with their own choices and I am not a mom that can, or will enable them. I have given my life to parenting for 30 years exactly. As an 18 year old mom, I sacrificed many things, to be sure my daughter had her needs met. When my son came along, the financial struggle was real and after my life was turned upside down after divorce number two, I thought everything was going to be ok, and that my prince charming had arrived when I met Ed, so I married him. For security purposes only. For 12 years thereafter, I had the best marriage and best friend I could have ever asked for. Then, he got sick. Then, I got sick too. It affected us all. By August of 2018, we were separated, back and forth for the rest of the year and I was totally lost in my mind.
- The reason I got sick was because I was FORCED into working twice as hard to keep the bills paid while I sat back and watched a two and a half year battle of the man I loved, tear open his fears and rejections and suffer wildly with post war time PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury hearing loss and Depression. Not to mention, the anger that was present under the circumstances and well, if your spouse is angry, you will become angry too. And what do you do when you are angry? You fight. You fight with each other and if you add fuel to the fire when it comes to a loss of communication it gets real ugly. He went deaf, and I did not know sign language and we had more trouble seeing eye to eye than anyone could have ever imagined. We fought with the government over his case and we lost the battle as a family trying to survive a financial crisis. We fought a system that just did not see us well and as a secondary care taker, I am sorry, you just don’t get time to rest and relax when you have to pay your LG & E or put food on the table. I deduced myself to funny selfie moments, holding a blue toilet brush begging anyone to let me clean their John, while I pounded my way through Massage Therapy school. I had only one choice. To trust that God had called me to this work, and that he would make a way, or shit and get off the pot. I made it. But my marriage did not. Husband finally got his benefits at the last second and ran off, well, with another “agenda” and started a new life after ours had ended in a cruel mental health war and our home become riddled with internal deception. (Both of us guilty as charged because we were both trying to survive something that is almost unheard of. Deaf Man, Hearing Wife.)
- In light of a one year anniversary after the demise of my marriage and relationship, I am just now able to look at the financial aftermath of said events, and see that the work has paid off and I can take care of myself. Barely. But I can. It will get better. As a matter of fact, it has gotten so much better now that I have proven that Massage Therapy is more than just a rub down. It is a healing art. And it has helped me heal inside but man, is it a slow process.
So, then you may ask, what about all this hoopla’ with a new boyfriend and a place to call home. Nope. I am not ready. And he is not ready either. He is not ready to give me space so that I can heal and find my way and in all honesty, I look really good on the outside, but my insides are shredded. Today, I stopped the relationship in it’s tracks because I have less than one week, to make some new year’s resolutions and being in a long term commitment and being someone’s all and all, is not on the 2020 plans for me this year. I am wounded. And I cannot support another person who has yet to figure out why they too, are depressed. It’s sad but it’s true. Misery loves company. I have to not create misery nor, can I be a part of it. It was fun to try my hand at new relationships but dammit, I am not ready to take on someone else’s expectations of me. ( I am not ready.)
What I do love most about raising my white flag to God (Spirit, Universal Mind, or whatever you want to call it), is that I can make Jesus Christ my new lover. In tradition, I call on Jesus in my darkest hour. (not forcing the name on anyone else.) Jesus is really the only guy I can trust right now. I have so much work to do on my co-dependency issues and food addictions and it is time. I also, have to find the time to pray for my children and their struggles without falling prey to their demons, while I am battling my own. This year my daughter and son, are being tested by fate to find out who they really are and how they too, can overcome adversity on their own, with God. They have their own flags now, and they have to decide when to waive them and come up for air.
I am a very strong willed, independent, driven and educated woman who falls head over heals in love so very easily. I don’t yet know why I fall so hard. Or am I just afraid to be alone? I think I am.
I guess I am either really vulnerable or gullible or a mix of both. I think I am.
I think I am subconsciously afraid to be alone and die alone yet, I am good at pushing people away too. And you know what, I need to. I do not need to be in a long term commitment with any human being and if I find the need that I DO need to date, casually if and when, time permits, then it will be on my terms with no strings attached. I love to get to know new people. I need NEW people in my life. No attachments and No Stupid Shit. So, if you read this and you are looking for a girlfriend, do not look here. I am dating myself in 2020 and I will fall in line with the other ladies who have been shot out of the codependency cannon this year and are tired of trying to fix, manage and control everyone else’s happiness.
This year, my new year’s resolution is to find Peace in not being in a relationship and see what God wants me to do for my hurting children, if anything. They need love and I have some to give, but I will not sit around and expect them to grow up over night. I have to keep moving on.
Don’t get me wrong. I will go out. I will have fun. I will make new goals for my business and my personal life and I will take on year number two, without Edward, in stride, but I need another year to make some time for me.
Everyone that knows me knows the truth about how much I have had to carry these last few years and the support for me personally has been incredible. But as a therapist, what makes me such a good listener for my clients, is that I “hear” what they are saying when it comes to stress, pain and emotional anxiety even if they do not say a word about it. Body language matters. I learned that when I learned all about sign language even if it was a crash course for dummies.
The End. 2019.